


Just Let Me Go

by deansomega94



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Other, Please Always Keep Fighting, Suicide, Wincest in the heart only
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-08
Updated: 2019-09-08
Packaged: 2020-10-11 23:08:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,357
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20554190
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deansomega94/pseuds/deansomega94
Summary: I wake up every morningand begin another dayThe world I see is Biegeand it’s the same everydayMy spirit has gone numband you insist that I stayEven the pain is boringthe lies have lost their stingI woke up todayand I began to cryNothing ever changesI just want to dieYes, yes you love meBut you never ever seeIf you loved me, you would knowThat I’ve been dead for years.And you’d just let me go.- Xenia Rose Willows 2019





	Just Let Me Go

**Author's Note:**

> Story is probably beyond bleak. I am having a rough time of it lately. Needed some catharsis, a way to get It out. I apologize for picking on Sam. He doesn’t need anyone else picking on him. I am fine. If you’re not call for help. Hugs!
> 
> Please Heed Warning!!!
> 
> Donna sings, “I Take You With Me” by Melissa Etheridge

  
Sam sat down on his bed on the bunker and noticed he felt cold and wet along his outer back. Cautiously, he lifted his shirt and saw claw marks from the werewolf, he hadn’t felt. Sighing, he went to find Dean. Sam started to turn around and just go take a shower and do his best to keep it from getting infected. However, Dean saw him.

”Sammy?” He got a second glass and poured one for Sam, before sitting back down, to throw his back.

”I just... I got clawed. Can’t reach it to sew it myself.”

Dean stood and took a minute to stabilize before he started for the infirmary. Sam followed after him and sat down on the table. He swung off his shirt and Dean whistled.

”Ouch! You rode home like this?” Dean looked at him puzzled.

”Adrenaline I guess, it was the cool air on the wetness that I felt. Don’t worry, if I got Baby, I’ll clean it up.”

”I’ll get it. You okay? You’ve been getting hurt a lot lately. You sick or something?” Dean asked.

Sam looked down. “No. Just tired. You know how the dreams come and go in cycles. I’ll take something get some rest be good as new.

Sam didn’t wince as his brother’s pulled the suture needle through his flesh. When Dean bandaged it, he stood and tried twisting from side to side. “Shouldn’t keep me from hunting.”

”Good.” Dean headed back for the alcohol.

”Gonna shower and turn in. Don’t worry, I’ll keep them dry. Goodnight, De.” Sam stopped for a second.

”Goodnight, Sammy.” Dean said distractedly.

Sam grabbed a pair of pajama bottoms and his shaving kit out of his room. He went into a stall and clipped his nails. Then he came out and shaved at the sink, making sure to clean up any hair. He brushed his teeth, again cleaning up afterwards. Sam cleaned his body very thoroughly and washed and conditioned his hair. When he was finished, he towel his hair until it was mostly dry, then he combed it. He lotioned his body from top to bottom and slid the bottoms on. He neatly folded the towels he used and put them in the hamper. Sam looked around him to make sure he left the bathroom neat.

Sam walked out of the bathroom and listened to see where Dean was. The clank of crystal on wood told him, he went to his room. He looked around it making sure it was clean. After putting away a few books and a quick dusting, he deemed it clean. The bed was still made from before they left. 

Sam sat at his desk and took out a piece of paper, an envelope, and a pen. He realized he almost forgot an important part of his plans. Rising, he got spray paint and warded his room against angels. He listened Dean was still alone and drinking. He sat back down and began to write.

_Dean,_

_I find it hard to tell you what your name has meant to me, all of my life, even when I was mad, ran off, or just plain didn’t treat you with the love I have for you. Your name was my first word. And even in this moment, thinking it brings me home._

_Because you are my home. I guess that is why I hated Dad so much, because he hit my home, he told my home he was stupid and he’s not, he used my home as bait, and made my home an alcoholic just like him. I am sorry for all the times I just made it worse, by being mean or just not being there._

_Just in case you really never figured things out. I realized I was in love with you when I was ten. I would listen to boys at school talk about their big brothers and even when they were proud, they never loved them the way I loved you. They never talked about how their brother’s laugh made their belly tingly or how their brother touching their arm or ruffling their hair made them breathe faster. I figured out they didn’t make themselves feel good by imagining you without clothes or later substitute themselves for whatever lucky girl you had sex with. I knew it was wrong._

_So, the acceptance letter to Stanford solved so many problems. You wouldn’t have to mediate between me and Dad, I would no longer have to hunt or pretend I wanted to and you would never know how sick I was. Leaving you was the hardest thing I had ever done, even with everything, it is still in the top ten. But when I got to school, I could be anyone, I choose a guy who had a family he didn’t see eye to eye with. A guy who was totally straight and had a few girlfriends, not just one night stands that I pretended were you._

_I met Jess, convinced myself that I would be happy with her and we know how that all turned out. But the part I never told you, was how happy I was to see you. How you had gotten more gorgeous. How I wanted you even more. Please forgive me. I’d never been as terrified as I was when you spelled out that a reaper was after you or as relieved as I was when you woke up and were okay. I was sad Dad was gone and we didn’t get our crap worked out, but I could live with it, if it meant my De was going to be alright._

_When I screwed up and let Lucifer out and I thought you left me the message telling me we were through, I wanted my soul to turn dark, so I couldn’t feel the pain of losing you. And then there you were, trying to stop me and when we couldn’t stop it, you killed that lying bitch, Ruby for me. I am truly sorry for every time I have failed you, that was one in a long list. I won’t make excuses, I have none that are enough for the pain I caused._

_Lately, I am going through the motions. I actually hope something will get me, but it hit me today that I’m being selfish again, because if I am not at the top of my game, you could get hurt or killed. So, I am stopping with the cowardly hope that a monster gets me. And I am stepping up, owning my crap, and taking care of the problem myself. Don’t waste time trying to figure out why or if you could have stopped it, because you won’t understand and you couldn’t have._

_Dean, if you love me and I know you do, just let me go. No resurrections, no deals, no spells, just peace, where I will wait for you. Maybe in Heaven, it will somehow not be wrong for me to love you like this or maybe in Heaven it will finally stop and I can love you like a brother._

_Please be patient with Mom. This is still overwhelming for her sometimes and she tries so hard not to let us see it. She wanted the apple pie life we have both dreamed of, for her sons and herself. She understands that if we had had it, the world may not still be here, but she still wishes that she either had stayed dead and never knew or that someone else had been tapped for all of this. You are her anchor, her constant, she loved you first with all she had. Imagine what seeing her little boy covered in blood, or possessed or tortured does to her. You were the only one who could go in and free her from her mind. She loves me, but it is the me she has known in these short years. Like Samuel said, “What am I supposed to be to him.” Well, what am I supposed to be to her? She knows this broken, damaged, hollowed out man, she never knew the little boy who idolized his brother or used to believe that this would end for us and we could live happy. She has one son who is empty inside except for a love he should not feel and a son who is slowly drinking himself to death, because he has just seen too much.Tell her I love her._

_Please don’t give up on Jack. He loves you. He wants approval from Cas and I, but he needs approval from you. He tries so hard to figure out how to be good. And he has done a lot more good than bad. Just tell him he did good a little more than you do and maybe a hug every now and again. Tell him I love him and let Cas explain this, he will be more patient._

_One last confession. When I was in the cage, Lucifer would pick different people he knew I Loved and have them torture me that day. His favorite was you. I always felt like the torture I had coming and Chuck forgive me, when he would rape me as you, I was happier than I have ever been. I would pretend it was you. I knew your body, every scar, every freckle and he would make himself into the You from my mind. I got to be with you hundreds of times in the cage and I enjoyed every single time. He knew it, in his sick twisted mind, he would pick you most because he got to feel what it was to be loved. He definitely didn’t do it because it made me happy._

_I won’t lie and say I am sorry I did this. I will say I am sorry for hurting the people it will hurt. But I think seeing me shrivel up and blow away would hurt them more._

_I want a pyre, please. Please don’t put the amulet in it. When you throw it away it’s like your say we aren’t brothers anymore and you as my brother was the best part of my life. If possible could you have Jody, Donna and the girls come down and Garth and Bess and Rowena come. I guess this will mean she will never die since I won’t be around to kill her. I stopped wanting to even a little when she actually grieved for Crowley. Invite anyone else you think will care or who will want to be there for you. Then have a party with pizza and burgers and booze. I put some away for just that purpose, you know where it is, my journal is there to._

_I would love to say this to your face and hold you one last time. **I Love You Dean Winchester!** You are the best man I have ever known. _

_If you decide to leave the world-saving to someone else, please find someone, maybe Cas to spend your nonblood-soaked life with. You could still have the kids, I know you want. Please don’t name them Samuel, you know how the last two turned out, why take chances?_

_Please, please, please Dean, don’t try to follow. There is still life in you and it can finally be your life now._

_Sam_

Sam opened the other drawer in his desk and reached to the back to the bottle of OxyContin he had stolen, the last time someone was in the e.r., he got out the bottle of Duladid, he had also stolen at the time. He poured himself a double whiskey and used them to swallow the pills, then he took a couple of Promethazine to make sure he wouldn’t vomit and cancel his hard work. He folded the letter, put it in the envelope, wrote Dean on the outside, he propped it against a framed picture of their family where he was still a baby.

He went to the bed, sat, turned out the light and laid in the center of the bed, just in case there were convulsions, he didn’t want to be contorted and half off the bed when they found him, it would upset Dean. He laid there and let his mind with all the fun times he had with his brother. From fireworks in a field to watching the stars to running pool hustles to laughing around the table eating pizza and drinking beer. The last thought Samuel William Winchester had was of a smiling Dean chasing him in the savage yard, yelling his name. He died with a smile on his face. 

“When I read this volume, I knew this would be the one. This would be when I would reap a non-fussing, compliant, Sam Winchester. I hoped I was wrong, because your absence is going to literally kill your brother. His body will stay and fight, but the light inside that makes him, human will die, the minute he sees your body. The Mark left behind a deep and terrible darkness inside your brother and you were the light that kept it at bay. Now, that darkness will become all he is” Billie said softly, even sadly. “Cas will have to put Dean down and he will still come to Heaven where you wait. But he’ll do things you wouldn’t recognize as Dean. He will end Jack, because Chuck will make it easy for him. Your mother will be in a Heaven before Dean, because Jack loses his compass without you and loses his temper, which causes her death. Dean will beg Cas after he kills Jack. Cas will comply and he will never be okay. With this one flap of your wings, you were the chaos that destroys your family.”

”Then send me back.”

”After all this time, you still don’t understand? You died one of the ways you were supposed to, it is your time. I do not send people back who are no longer supposed to be there. It messes up the entirety of creation and weakens its fabric.” Billie started to walk. Sam looked at his body, then hurried after her.

Dean brushed his teeth, showered and shaved. He got dressed and headed for coffee. It hit him half way down the hall that he couldn’t smell any. Sam always made a pot before he went for his run. He looked at his watch, when he heard his mother and Jack come in.

”Where’s your brother?” Mary asked sleepily.

”He probably just slept in. Rough hunt. Five wolves turned into eight, we had to fight our way out, he got swiped, nothing bad, but he was beat last night.” He started the coffee. “Mom why don’t you make some bacon and I will go check on him?”

He patted her shoulder and left the kitchen. When he turned into the hall, he saw Cas standing outside Sam’s door, door open, just standing there.

”Cas?” Cas turned blue eyes full of anguish towards him.” He just shook his head. “I can’t get in, he warded the room.”

”Why would he do that? Did you guys have a fight or somethin?”

”No. He knew I was listening to his thoughts. He knew when I heard them, but he made sure to bespell the room, so you couldn’t get in either.” Dean noticed Rowena standing beside Cas, she was crying.

Dean made himself walk forward but part of him knew what he would find. He stopped in front of Cas and he pleaded with his eyes for he to be wrong, but Cas didn’t correct him. So, Dean turned his head. His little brother was lying perfectly still in the middle of his bed with his huge, gentle hands crossed on his stomach. His eyes were closed. He could be sleeping, but the blue tinge to his lips reinforced that he wasn’t. Dean ran to him, ignoring the smells of death that already filled the room, and pulled him into his arms. He threw his head back and screamed, “Sammy!” He howled in anguish and rocked them back and forth. He felt more than heard his mother and Jack in the back ground. “Cas, please. I need to be alone with him. I am not going to hurt myself. I just need him to myself for just a little bit.” He guessed that Cas complied because the door was shut and he was alone with the shell that used to hold his “baby boy”. He needed to know why. He gently placed the shell back on the bed. And began to look around the room. His breath caught when he saw the envelope. He picked it up and went to sit on the floor next to the shell. He took a moment to ask Billie to not take no for an answer when she came for him. He wanted him to go on, not linger here.

He noticed his fingers shaking as he opened the envelope and wished briefly for a drink, but that would somehow be an offense to Sam, not to read the words he left for him, sober. He took out the letter and ran his fingers over the writing that he taught Sam to do and fought back tears and anger. He would hear his brother out.

After he had read the letter through three times. He stood and kissed his brother’s shell on the forehead. Then he took a deep breath and settled this weight on his aching back with all the others he carried. He walked to the door and took, his sobbing mother in his arms. 

“Cas would you please inform Jody and the others?”

”Of course.” He left to do what Dean asked of him.

”Rowena, I know you are not a bloody babysitter but could you please look after Jack, explain whatever he has questions about.” She just went to the pale young man and pulled him towards the library. When he passed Dean, Dean put a hand on his shoulder. “As soon as I call Garth and help Mom. You and I can sit down and I will answer any questions you have about any of this, Okay.” He just nodded and went with Rowena.

”I want to sit with him a minute Dean.” Mary managed. Dean took her to the door. He asked if she was sure and he led her in and closed the door behind her.

Dean went and called Garth. Garth cried. Dean made himself harden, his tears were for Sam only. Garth said he would definitely be there and he would get the word out. He insisted that there were tons of hunters that liked Sam, and few who lived through the BMOL, who had anything but nice thoughts about Sam. Dean didn’t know if he hoped for the place to be filled with people who realized what the world had lost today or only a few, so, it would be done fast and lock himself away with a bottle and mourn the brother who thought he didn’t love him exactly like he loved Dean. Garth said he was sorry, one last time then hung up so he could get the word out.

Dean couldn’t really remember details of the days and hours since, he hung up the phone, but he stood next to a pyre that held the shrouded remains of the shell that housed the amazing person Sam had been.

He walked to stand in front of the pyre. “One time when we stayed the night at Jody’s and Donna had stayed too. Sammy turned to Donna and asked her to sing something because he had heard her singing while she cut wood up at the cabin. So, Donna, if you will come and sing a song to send him on his way, we’d appreciate it. Donna walked up and kissed and hugged Dean.

She took a couple of deep breaths. Then closed her eyes and began to sing.

”Past the devil's own temptation  
And beyond where angels sleep  
To the holy invocation  
Of a neon city street  
I feel your hand  
I hold you  
Through your eyes I see  
My love, wherever I go  
I take you with me...”  
  
  


Dean stopped really hearing the words and saw all the places he and Sam had gone. He saw all the good times. He saw all the goodbye hugs and all the reunion hugs. And he realized that he would for the rest of his time, take his Sammy with him wherever he went. And somehow, he would have to make it be enough.

When she finished her singing, he thanked her. And lit the torch that would spread the flames to finally free his brother from the world he’d saved again and again and it kept kicking him in the ass. He watched the flames take. He watched some people toss little trinkets of remembrance on the flames. He saw people that he and his brother had saved place a trinket or a flower in the flames. He looked over at Garth and mouthed, “Thank you.” Garth nodded his head as tears poured down his face.

Finally it was just him and Sammy. “I won’t try to join you. But, Sammy, you idiot, I pray it happens soon. Everything just looks and feels deader without you here. Knowing how you felt, knowing the lifetime we wasted fighting it because we didn’t want to lose the other one. It just hurts. Every time I would see you across a room and think how beautiful you were, knowing I could have told you, hurts. I will have patience where you asked me to. I will not leave Mom here to fight monsters, when she wanted us all out of this to begin with. And for the millionth time Cas is my friend, I never dreamed of happy ever after with him. The last time I dreamed of happy ever after it was with you. He fingered the amulet around his neck and tucked it next to his heart. I love you, Bitch.”

Dean walked back into the bunker. The sounds of hunters celebrating one of their own, met his ears, they ate the food and drink the booze Sam’s money had bought for them. He stepped down the stairs and was attacked by Claire. She hugged him, so tight, he thought she might break a rib. “Please stay here. I can’t lose you both at the same time, you’re my big brothers. I love you.” She pulled backed her eyes red from crying. “I don’t want to have to let you both go at the same time.”

”Not going anywhere, brat, I promise.” He kissed her forehead.

Alex hugged him, next, she kissed him on the cheek. “I’ll sleep on the couch if you want to come stay with Jody for a bit.”

”Thanks, but Mom, Jack And Cas need me.” He kissed her forehead.

Patience hugged him. “I’m sorry I didn’t see this.” She cried. “What’s the point of these visions if I couldn’t stop him?”

”Cas is an angel and he couldn’t stop it or bring him back. You weren’t meant to, Sweetheart.” He gave her a kiss.

Jody pulled him into a room. “You can do stoic all you want with them, but this is me. You don’t lose your brother, your kid, and the man you loved and walk it off.”

”You knew?”

”Yeah. You don’t know how much I wish I had stuck my nose in. Maybe it would have ended different, if you two were given even that bit of happiness.”

”He didn’t think I loved him, Jody. He thought I would think he was disgusting and hate him. I loved him before he was born and for the six months he was just my brother. I loved him when I became his parent. And then when he was old enough for it not to be creepy, I just loved him. I have never loved anyone else in that way, the way I love him. And he died thinking I would hate him for loving me back!” She hugged him and he let himself come apart. Jody didn’t need him to skipper the boat. He could not have it together with her. He sobbed like he’d never sobbed in his whole life. He sobbed as he saw Sam asleep in his crib, then when he crawled, he saw him take his first steps, he saw when he had to leave him at the kindergarten entrance at school, he saw him when he won a science fair trophy with mold samples, he saw him after he kissed a girl the first time, he saw him the times he had snuck on campus and watched him be a normal kid with his friends, he saw him when he dragged him back into this world that sucked him dry, he saw him stupid drunk, he saw him lead the hunters to stop the BMOL, he saw him high on demon blood, he saw him mad at Dean for saving him, he saw him gunshot shooting the monster and saving his brother before he collapsed to the floor, he saw him as he sewed up a wound. He heard him say, “ Goodnight, De.” Something he had called Dean since he was little. There it was, the sign, the something, that he missed. He saw his Sammy stretched out on his neatly made bed. Dean felt something inside him break as he cried the last of what had been Dean Winchester, Sammy’s brother, onto Jody’s comforting shoulder.

He pulled back, wiped his eyes and thanked Jody. She told him she would only be a phone call away. He smiled at her. Then he turned around. He had work to do. If Chuck was going to take the one good thing Dean had had a hand in creating. Then Dean was going to destroy what Chuck had created. Lucifer laughed he had just gained a powerful ally. All he had to do was wait for his son to make a small mistake.

**Author's Note:**

> Firm believer in Always Keep Fighting and Jared Padalecki saved my life one night when I was going to leave my suicide note on Twitter, for expediency, I have a large family and virtual friends all over the world. Instead, the first thing I saw was Jared talking. I turned up the sound and his voice told me to keep fighting. An hour and half after I would have been dead by my own hand, I was talking to some of the wackiest, zaniest, wonderful people who remind me and I remind them to keep fighting even when the struggle gets old or you feel alone, because your not.
> 
> Thanks for reading! Hugs! Be kind to yourself!😊💜💐


End file.
